Being stuck

All the rings we made. The two on the left are our wedding rings (they look much nicer after the were finished of course).

I did so beautifully. Everything I planned happened as I planned it. I was excited about how well it is working. I made just tiny changes like using an alarm clock in situations people normally do not necessarily use an alarm clock, like going to bed or being in the shower. And it had such an impact. I discussed with my fiancée how we could do things to spend more time together and so that I don't have to do everything alone. I was surprised how easily we solved it. Everything went smoothly.

On Saturday it was our day. We planned a small trip or rather a long walk. It was great. We explored a new place in the town we’re living in and it was beautiful. After we came home we watched a movie. I haven’t done any duties but I thought it was fine. Saturday is my free day. Sunday is work. Well, Sunday came. My morning was rather slow and I had a long to-do list. And some of the tasks were long. And hard. But especially long.

And here comes the problem. After all this productive time when I thought I finally figured it all out, I suddenly didn’t feel like it. And I was doomed. I didn’t feel like doing anything for the rest of the day. I felt very unhappy about it. And I couldn’t keep my thought away from it. I was walking around the flat, doing sad faces and talking about how I don’t feel like doing anything.

I knew I have many important tasks to tackle. I felt bad for not doing them. But I just couldn't. I didn’t know what to do about it and I also didn’t feel like doing something else because I felt like I shouldn’t.

On Monday I woke up still quite unmotivated. But we had a plan for that day that couldn’t be avoided. And when I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself I would be very excited.

Because we went to a blacksmith’s workshop to try this beautiful craft and to forge our own wedding rings.

The journey was quite long. I had a book with me but I didn’t even pull it out I just looked out of the window which I love. We made a stop to buy some food and coffee and after 3,5 hours we reached our destination. And then I definitely didn’t have room for thoughts about my (un)productivity. We started to learn and work. Even now, 2 days later, my arms and hands are tired and my forearms hurt. I enjoyed the process so much! And I look forward to seeing the rings when they’re finished.

This day was full of learning something completely new, full focus, and moderately strenuous physical activity. And after that, I felt tired but happy and motivated. I thought I had a cure for my unmotivated rut.

But the next day I couldn’t get myself out of bed. Maybe the physical activity was just too much. Luckily I was working from home but I wasn’t nearly as productive. And I started to feel bad again. I talked about it with my coach focusing on the problem of falling out of the routine. We had just a short time for it, so we didn’t manage to cover it as a whole.

But then I realized something. I did a lot of changes for the better. I have a lot on my plate. I made small improvements with great impact. On the weekend I shut down. I had a lot of to-do’s and I didn’t do them. I rebelled. Against myself and my own expectations from me.

But is this a big deal? Or is it just an unavoidable consequence of the fact that I’m quite hard on myself? What if it is just a small impediment, which I just needed. And as soon as I can, I go on with my tasks.

It was just the unplanned rest I gave to myself because I needed it. And there’s nothing wrong with that.